Reasons You May Struggle to Forgive Others
Forgiveness is often seen as a way to heal, move forward, and reclaim your peace of mind. However, many people find it incredibly difficult. When someone has hurt us deeply, it can feel like forgiving them means minimizing the pain or letting them off the hook. In reality, forgiveness is about finding peace for yourself, not excusing harmful behavior. If you’ve struggled with forgiving someone, you're not alone. Here are some reasons why it can be so difficult to forgive others, and how to start the process of healing.
You Feel Like Forgiving Means Approval of Their Actions
One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is the belief that letting go of anger means accepting or approving what the person did. This is especially hard when the person intentionally hurts you or causes significant pain. However, forgiveness is not about condoning the actions or making them okay. It's about releasing the burden of resentment and anger. Holding on to these emotions can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression, as they weigh down your mental well-being.
You Want Justice Before You Forgive
It's natural to want justice or an apology when you’ve been wronged. You may feel it’s impossible to forgive someone until they make amends. If the person hasn’t apologized, or if you feel they "got away with it," it can be tough to let go of your anger. In situations like this, it's important to recognize that forgiveness doesn’t mean letting someone escape responsibility; it simply allows you to release the grip the incident has on your peace of mind.
The Pain Feels Too Deep
If the hurt is profound, such as from betrayal, trauma, or a relationship problem, forgiveness can feel out of reach. Loneliness and social isolation can intensify these emotions, especially if you feel there’s no one to turn to. When you experience deep pain, forgiveness may feel like you're opening yourself up to more hurt. However, holding onto pain often increases feelings of low self-esteem and low self-confidence, making it harder to heal.
You Fear Being Hurt Again
Forgiveness might feel like you're giving the person another chance to hurt you, especially if they’ve hurt you repeatedly. This fear is particularly common when dealing with social anxiety or low self-worth. You may worry that letting your guard down will make you vulnerable again. But in truth, forgiveness is not about reconciling or letting the person back into your life; it's about protecting your own emotional health by freeing yourself from the weight of resentment.
You’re Holding onto Anger as Power
At times, anger can feel empowering. You might hold onto resentment because it gives you a sense of control or a way to take a stand. Letting go of that anger may feel like you're surrendering that power. But in reality, it’s the anger itself that is holding you back from healing, often contributing to stress and feelings of social anxiety. Forgiveness can help you reclaim your emotional well-being, enabling you to take control of your healing process rather than remaining stuck in negativity.
You Struggle to Let Go of the Past
Replaying painful events over and over can keep you stuck in a cycle of hurt. It’s easy to become trapped in a loop of loneliness and depression when you're constantly reliving your pain. Moving forward becomes challenging when the past feels so present. But letting go of these memories doesn’t mean forgetting; it means choosing not to let the past define your future.
You Tie Forgiveness to Weakness
Sometimes, society tells us that forgiveness is a sign of weakness, leading you to believe that letting go of anger means you’re weak or soft. It requires emotional courage to release resentment and move on, especially when you’ve experienced relationship problems that have hurt your sense of self-esteem.
You Haven’t Forgiven Yourself
One of the hardest steps in forgiveness is forgiving yourself. If you blame yourself for the hurt you’ve endured or feel responsible for allowing the situation to unfold, it can be difficult to extend forgiveness to others. Self-blame often exacerbates feelings of low self-esteem and social isolation, making it harder to heal. Self-forgiveness is an essential part of the process, allowing you to let go of shame and focus on emotional recovery.
You Don’t Understand What Forgiveness Is
Many people misunderstand forgiveness. They might think it means forgetting, reconciling with the person who hurt them, or pretending everything is fine. But forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing. It’s about making peace with what happened and choosing not to let it continue to affect your happiness. Forgiveness allows you to free yourself from the anxiety of holding onto past pain.
Forgiveness Feels Like Losing Your Identity
Holding onto anger or resentment can become part of your identity. You might fear that forgiving the person erases your story or invalidates your experience. But the truth is, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting your feelings or letting the person off the hook. It’s about reclaiming your peace and freedom from the grip of hurt and bitterness.
Conclusion
Forgiveness begins with acknowledging your feelings and choosing to let go of the burden of anger. You might start by saying to yourself, "I am choosing to release this hurt to find peace." It’s essential to understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing or forgetting; it simply means you’re no longer going to let the situation control your happiness.
If you’re struggling with forgiveness, it’s okay to seek help. Working with a therapist who uses solution-focused brief therapy or other therapeutic approaches can help you navigate the emotional challenges of forgiveness. In today's world, online counselling can provide you with the support you need, especially when dealing with stress, depression, low self-esteem, or social anxiety. Talktoangel offers online counselling services that can help you process difficult emotions, heal from past wounds, and begin your journey toward emotional freedom. Don't hesitate to reach out—sometimes, just talking about it is the first step toward moving forward.
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- Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14739-000
- Van Oyen Witvliet, C., & McCullough, M. E. (2005). Forgiveness and health: An unanswered question. In R. D. Enright & J. North (Eds.), Exploring forgiveness (pp. 157-173). University of Wisconsin Press.
- Barlow, D. H. (2014). The nature and treatment of anxiety and depressive disorders. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203796455
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