Breaking free from People-pleasing Habits
Many of us want to be liked, respected, and appreciated. But when the desire to make others happy comes at the expense of our own needs, boundaries, and mental health, it becomes a problem. People-pleasing is more than just being nice; it's a habit of prioritizing others over yourself, often driven by fear of rejection, criticism, or conflict. Breaking free from this cycle is important for personal growth, self-respect, and emotional well-being.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing refers to a behavior where someone prioritizes others’ needs and desires, often at the expense of their own. People-pleasers struggle with saying “no” and may feel anxious or guilty when they do so.
Common signs of people-pleasing include:
- Avoiding conflict or disagreements, even when it’s necessary.
- Constantly seeking approval and validation from others.
- Putting others' needs ahead of your own, even when it’s harmful.
- Apologizing excessively, even for things that aren’t your fault.
While these behaviors may temporarily avoid conflict or gain approval, they often lead to long-term stress, resentment, and loss of self-identity.
Why Do People-Pleasing Habits Form?
- Fear of Rejection: People-pleasers often fear being disliked or abandoned if they don’t meet others’ expectations.
- Low Self-Esteem: A lack of confidence in one’s worth can make individuals seek validation through others’ approval.
- Upbringing: Being raised in an environment where love or praise was conditional on meeting others’ needs can instil people-pleasing tendencies.
- Conflict Avoidance: Avoiding confrontation may feel easier than facing potential disagreements or negative emotions.
- Social Expectations: Cultural or societal norms may reinforce the idea that prioritizing others is a virtue, especially for certain roles or genders.
The Effects of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing might seem harmless or even virtuous, but it comes with significant drawbacks:
- Burnout: Constantly saying “yes” can lead to physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion.
- Loss of Identity: Over time, people-pleasers may lose touch with their own preferences, needs, and desires.
- Resentment: Suppressing your feelings or needs to please others can lead to bitterness and strained relationships.
- Inauthentic Relationships: Relationships built on people-pleasing often lack honesty and depth, as the person hides their true self.
- Anxiety and Stress: The constant pressure to meet others’ expectations can result in chronic stress and anxiety.
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
Overcoming people-pleasing habits takes time, self-awareness, and consistent effort. Here are some powerful steps to get started:
- Recognize the Pattern:- The first step to breaking free is recognizing when and why you engage in people-pleasing behaviours. Reflect on moments when you prioritized others at your own expense and identify the underlying fears or beliefs driving those actions.
- Set Boundaries:- Learn to say “no” without guilt. To safeguard your time, energy, and emotional health, you must establish limits. Start small by declining tasks or requests that feel overwhelming or unnecessary.
- Practice Self-Compassion:- Understand that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and desires. Remind yourself that you deserve respect and care just as much as others do.
- Communicate Assertively:- Practice expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings honestly and respectfully. To express your viewpoint without coming across as accusatory, use "I" phrases. "I feel overwhelmed and need some time to recharge," for instance.
- Challenge Negative Beliefs:- Reevaluate beliefs that reinforce people-pleasing, such as “If I say no, people will dislike me” or “I have to make everyone happy.” Replace them with healthier affirmations, like “I have the right to prioritize myself.”
- Spend Time on Self-Reflection:- Rediscover your passions, values, and interests. Take time to understand what truly matters to you, rather than what others expect from you.
- Celebrate Small Wins:- Breaking people-pleasing habits can feel uncomfortable initially. Celebrate each step you take, whether it’s setting a boundary or expressing your feelings openly.
How Counseling Can Help
Counselling can be incredibly beneficial for individuals struggling with people-pleasing habits. A professional counsellor provides a safe and supportive space to explore the root causes of these behaviours and develop healthier coping strategies.
Here’s how counselling helps:
- Identifying Triggers:- A counsellor helps you uncover the underlying fears, beliefs, or past experiences that contribute to people-pleasing.
- Building Self-Esteem:- Through therapy, you can work on improving your self-worth and developing a stronger sense of identity, making it easier to prioritize your needs.
- Learning Assertiveness Skills:- Counselling equips you with practical tools and techniques to communicate assertively, set boundaries, and handle conflicts effectively.
- Reframing Negative Thoughts:-Therapists use approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioural therapy to help you challenge and reframe negative thought patterns that fuel people-pleasing.
- Providing Ongoing Support:- Change can be difficult, but a counsellor provides guidance and encouragement throughout your journey, helping you stay on track.
Counseling isn’t just for overcoming challenges—it’s a valuable resource for personal growth and building healthier, more authentic relationships.
Benefits of Breaking Free
Breaking free from people-pleasing habits brings significant benefits:
- Increased Confidence: You’ll feel more confident expressing yourself and prioritizing your needs.
- Stronger Relationships: Authenticity leads to deeper and more meaningful connections.
- Reduced Stress: Letting go of the pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can significantly improve your mental health.
- Greater Fulfillment: You’ll have more time and energy to focus on the things that truly matter to you.
Conclusion
People-pleasing habits may seem harmless initially, but they can take a toll on your mental health, relationships, and personal growth. Breaking free from these patterns requires self-awareness, practice, and sometimes, professional support. Counselling and online therapy offer a transformative opportunity to explore the root causes of people-pleasing and develop tools to prioritize yourself while maintaining healthy relationships. By learning to honour your own needs and setting boundaries, you can create a life that feels authentic, balanced, and truly fulfilling.
Contribution:- Psychowellness Center offers geriatric mental health care and emotional support with Dr. (Prof) R K Suri and Ms. Sakshi Dhankar counselling psychologist.
References
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House.
- American Psychological Association. (2021). The Importance of Assertiveness in Healthy Relationships. Retrieved from www.apa.org.
- Mayo Clinic. (2022). How to Set Healthy Boundaries. Retrieved from www.mayoclinic.org.
- Gottman Institute. (2021). Understanding the Role of Boundaries in Relationships. Retrieved from www.gottman.com.
SHARE